The Chupacabra

Written in the mid-1990s, The Chupacabra is the second story I ever wrote for an audience and is a direct sequel to A Very Strange House. Yes, it does seem misogynistic for how I treat my female lead, but I assure you in this story she gets her revenge and Dr. Pyre gets his comeuppance.

I strongly encourage you to read A Very Strange House first, as the plot and jokes will go well over your head. And a word of warning. Written over 25 years ago, both tales would be considered politically incorrect, and readers sensitive to these issues are encouraged to read other stories elsewhere.

This series culminated in a very popular essay that will follow in a few days.

The Chupacabra

by Alan Pyre

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

"I am so sorry, Madam, but your luggage has been temporarily misplaced."

Molly Ladanyi sighed and started to fill out the proper forms. Her traditional bad luck again reared its ugly head in her first thirty minutes in San Juan. Fortunately, she only expected to be in Puerto Rico long enough to write the article her boss had assigned her. Then she could bask in the tropical sun for a few days and follow her agenda.

Dressed primly in a peasant blouse and ankle-length skirt, Molly picked up her two cameras, her laptop, and her purse and walked through the airport customs, searching for the men to meet her. Her last run-in with them at a haunted house in Maryland had turned into an embarrassing disaster. This time, she told herself, I will convince them I am a professional news reporter with class.

She saw two of them waiting at the bottom of the long escalator. She pulled up their names from memory; Joshua Nozzi and R. Austin Smith. She waved serenely and stepped on the escalator, setting her heavy purse by her feet. Smiling and standing behind the security gate, they waved back.

When Molly approached the bottom of the escalator, she gracefully knelt to pick up her purse, allowing the hem of her ankle-length skirt to become trapped by the motorized stairs as they disappeared into the floor. With all the irresistible force of the cosmos, her skirt, held up only by an elastic band, was pulled down around her hips and thighs.

Screaming wildly, trying to hold on to her purse while clutching at her modesty, she lost her balance. She went sprawling on the floor at the bottom of the escalator. Within heartbeats, the relentless motion of the machinery pulled her skirt off, and it disappeared into the floor. The terminal was as silent as death except for motorized gears shredding her pride into individual fibers.

Suddenly, the silence was shattered when one little boy pointed and laughed. "Mira!" he cried with joy. "Mira! Es Donald Duck!"

Near tears, Molly stumbled to her feet, gathered her stuff, and walked to the gate with as much dignity as she could muster, wishing she had selected plain panties that morning instead of bikini underwear bearing the repeated face of a Disney icon. Sadly, her peasant blouse was slightly cut in a midriff style which barely covered her navel, let alone her taste in lingerie.

Joshua and Austin stood in stunned silence, their eyes irresistibly drawn to the small duck faces that maniacally stared back at them. "Strange," Austin muttered to Joshua. "Their eyes seem to follow you no matter where she moves."

"Shall we go, gentlemen?" Molly asked icily, trying not to break down in tears in front of these men she had wanted so badly to impress. Joshua motioned toward the door. Leading the way, Molly walked out into the bright Puerto Rican sunlight, ignoring the laughter, jeers, and delighted cries of "Es Donald Duck!"

Austin pointed her toward the large white van she remembered from her first encounter with this strange research crew. She could see Jeff Coover sitting in the driver's seat and staring at her goggle-eyed while he slowly shook his head in disbelief. Joshua held the back door to the van open, and Molly walked inside. As before, electronic devices covered the van's interior from floor to roof. Sprawled in the middle of the floor was a large, old basset hound that stared at her with large, soulful eyes.

Molly slumped into a padded seat while Jeff started the van. Molly burst into tears of anger and shame, unable to hide her mortification. Embarrassed for her, Joshua gave her his handkerchief.

"I really wanted to impress you with my professionalism," she sobbed into the handkerchief. "How come," she wailed, "I always end up in my underwear around you guys?" The trio maintained an awkward silence, unable to think of anything comforting to say.

The basset hound, hobbling as the van bumped over rough San Juan streets, padded toward her. It sprawled in front of her feet and looked up at her with what appeared to be strong disapproval on its face.

"Go ahead and stare," she blubbered at the dog. "Everybody else is."

"Please do not accuse me of a carnal nature," the dog said thickly, "I am beyond all that."

Molly stared at the dog in stunned silence. Somehow, she thought to herself, somehow this doesn't seem all that strange. I sit in a van with three guys in San Juan, wearing nothing but a blouse and my bikini Donald Duck underwear, and a dog is talking to me.

"Jeff," the dog said. "Pull up at the next clothing store so we can get some proper attire for Miss Ladanyi."

"You're Doctor Pyre," Molly said dumbly.

"I'm pleased to see you again," the dog said. "However, it's evident your taste in unmentionables is still of a questionable nature."

Jeff pulled the van up into the corner. After asking Molly for her measurements, the basset and Austin left the van to shop for clothes.

After a few uncomfortable moments of silence, Molly blurted out. "That ugly dog is Dr. Pyre!"

"Pardon," Jeff replied, "but that dog is also a much-loved family pet."

"But ..., But ..." Molly stuttered.

"Allow me," Joshua said gallantly. "It was the good doctor's weekly practice to upload his brain waves to a recordable set of CD ROMs. After his demise in Frederick, we were placed firmly on the horns of a dilemma. Dr. Pyre was the only man who could sign our final paychecks, yet he quickly assumed room temperature trying to prove a ghost wasn't a ghost."

"Anyway," Jeff interrupted, "my family had owned old Duke for many years, and he was getting on in age. Plus the fact we were getting a little tired of him. We planned to take him to the vet and have him put down, but instead we used him as a receptacle for the doctor's recorded consciousness."

"But a dog?" Molly asked, temporarily forgetting her embarrassment.

Jeff shrugged. "It would have been unethical to put him in another human."

"And expensive," Joshua added.

The van door opened, and Austin and the basset entered, the former bearing several skirts embroidered with Puerto Rican designs. Molly selected a floral skirt that ended just above the knee and belted around the waist. She sighed with relief to find herself decent again.

"Well, gentlemen," said the dog, "and lady," he added with a nod to Molly, "the game is afoot. Let's go hunt the chupacabra and make names for ourselves."

The road to Caguas needed to be better maintained. But, amidst the bumps and potholes, Molly got in her questions.

"The chupacabra," the doctor was explaining, "which is Spanish, by-the-bye, for 'goat-sucker,' is a local creature with the same reputation as Bigfoot and the Loch Ness monster.

"According to eyewitnesses, the chupacabra stands three to four feet tall, has a long tail, reptilian skin, strangely glowing green eyes, and a crest of spines that runs down the back.

"It's greatly feared in the area even though there are no records of it attacking humans. However, many goats, cows, and rabbits have been found with their brains, and blood sucked out with the precision of a talented surgeon."

"Gross!" Molly interjected. "But how will you capture such a thing when many others before you haven't even seen it?"

"Science!" the dog partly howled. "We've been tracking the sightings for several years and found a definite though complex pattern.

"According to our elaborate calculations, it awaits tonight in the moon-haunted tropical forests outside Caguas."

The remainder of the trip was uneventful though Joshua and Austin spent some time staring at Molly's shapely knees and legs. And that's as high up as it goes, gentlemen, she said to them in the privacy of her thoughts. No more peeks at my nether regions.

Five minutes later, the van turned into a very rough dirt road. Finally, after some bone-jarring bumps, the van wheezed to a stop.

"We're here," Jeff announced.

Molly, Austin, and Joshua, followed by the lumbering basset hound, stepped outside into the fading Puerto Rican daylight. It was evident the team had been here to set up beforehand as the ground was covered by a fine metal net covered by a smaller, coarser fiber net. A small goat was calmly chewing its cud in the middle of it all.

"What's that terrible odor?" Molly asked, wrinkling her nose in distaste.

"Goat urine," Joshua said, helping Austin hook a thick cable from the net to the van. "We soaked the ground with it several days ago as an attractant for the chupacabra."

"The trap is quite simple," Austin chimed in. "When the chupacabra attacks the goat, Jeff will send 200,000 watts of electricity through the metal net. Then, having hardly any amperage, it will simply stun the beast. We then trigger the fiber net, which pulls up into the tree, and we have our monster."

"Seems simple enough," Molly said.

"Are we hooked up, gentlemen?" Dr. Pyre asked. After they nodded their response, they returned to the van for the long wait.

Jeff had already taken his seat at the central console. The outside video camera showed the goat on its knees, close to napping. Taking their seats, Jeff passed out sandwiches, and they waited. Outside, the Puerto Rican evening turned into night. Jeff switched on the infrared.

Absentmindedly, Molly reached down and scratched the basset hound behind the ears. Dr. Pyre spun his head around with a snarl. "I would appreciate it if you wouldn't do that," he growled as Molly jerked her hand back.

"Sorry," said Molly meekly.

After a few minutes, Molly nervously cleared her throat. "Excuse me," she said, "but can anybody tell me where a girl can use the powder room?"

Dr. Pyre rolled his eyes in disbelief. "Infrared show anything, Jeff?" he asked.

"Nope," Jeff said, evidently bored. "All's clear."

"I'm sorry we have no modern conveniences," Dr. Pyre said to Molly, "but you'll have your choice of trees."

Blushing, Molly pointed at the video and infrared monitors.

The dog sighed in disgust. "I'll ensure these voyeurs keep their eyes on more important work. Jeff, please turn off the monitors until Miss Ladanyi returns."

Jeff shrugged and hit a switch. The monitors went dead.

Joshua looked at Austin and raised his eyebrows. Austin shrugged and discreetly reached over and hit the record button on the VCR. The monitors were off, but the outside cameras worked just fine. They were not interested in Molly answering the call of nature. Still, later they would put the video where the good doctor could find it and enjoy the resulting explosion of temper and outrage.

The good doctor was so much more entertaining as a basset hound.

Molly walked behind the van away from the net and the goat that served as bait, the beam of the flashlight she had been given reflecting off the leaves. She played the beam around the van and shivered to think that soon something might come that was not of this world or not meant to be of this world.

When she heard the hiss to her left, she instinctively directed the light toward the sound. Unfortunately, the light reflected back from a pair of large, emerald-green eyes. She stood in terror as the creature before her raised itself to its full height. It hissed again and opened its jaws where a stiff hollow tongue played over inch-long fangs. Once again, it hissed, and the spines on its back stiffened into a macabre row of deadly adornment.

Whimpering, Molly inched away from the creature that stared at her in sheer malevolence. She reached out for the door handle that would let her back into the van and safety. She slowly turned the handle, only to discover it was locked.

The beast charged.

With a scream, she ran around the van, only to go sprawling over the goat that began bleating in terror from being stomped on. Immediately, the floodlights were turned on, brilliantly illuminating the area. Molly stumbled to her feet as the men in the van began yelling as they realized her danger.

With a sob, she staggered and turned to face the creature that blinked at her in the brilliant light. It hissed and sprang.

Simultaneously, the hemp net was released. It brought the goat bawling into the air and snagged itself into Molly's skirt. Then, with another scream, she was pulled into the air, her skirt jerked over her waist. The chupacabra leaped only to find empty air and prey twenty feet above it.

Sprawling on the ground where its target had been, it hissed in its rage at being cheated of a victim. Molly hung suspended, held in place by the thin belt that kept her skirt cinched around her waist. She clung to the net and the bawling goat as her long bare legs kicked empty air.

The van's back door opened, and Doctor Pyre leaped out barking. Then, in desperation and anxiety, Joshua and Austin stumbled over each other and sprawled on the ground.

With a growl, the good doctor lunged, teeth bared for the chupacabra's throat. The chupacabra spun on its short reptilian legs and caught the dog in midair in its three-inch claws. It was over in moments.

Suddenly, there was a shower of sparks. The chupacabra screamed as 200,000 volts ripped through its body. It tried to run, but its muscles were frozen by the voltage. Finally, it slumped into the metallic net and over the body of the mangled basset hound.

Jeff turned on the outside speakers while Joshua and Austin regained their feet. "Quickly," Jeff ordered, "Cover it with the metal grid. I'll keep a low voltage flowing through it to keep it unconscious.

Within seconds, the chupacabra was wrapped in the metal net.

"Will somebody please help me down now?" Molly whimpered. Austin and Joshua looked up at her in pensive thought.

"You're right," Joshua said to Austin. "Donald's eyes do follow you as she moves."

An hour later, the chupacabra was caged and kept unconscious by a steady flow of low-voltage electricity. Joshua and Austin had carried the dog's body back into the van, and the four sat around it as they contemplated their next move.

"Triggering the hemp net and getting you into the air was the only way I knew to get you out of harm's way," Jeff explained to Molly. "Fortunately, the net snagged your skirt, or you would have had to face the thing on the ground."

"Whoa," Austin said, pointing to the dog. "Basset in a blender! There's not much left."

"He tried to save my life," Molly said, tears coming.

"Now, who's gonna sign our paychecks?" Joshua asked. They all stared silently at what little was left of the good doctor.

"When did he last update his brain wave CD?" Jeff asked.

"Just this morning," Joshua responded.

"What are we going to put him into this time?" Jeff asked, scratching his head. There was another few moments of silence.

"I've got a gerbil at home," Austin said.

Jeff shook his head in the negative. " Too small. It can't hold a pen. Anyway, we need something now. We got to get home."

The chupacabra moaned in its restless sleep. They looked at the chupacabra. They looked at each other. They all smiled.

"Any port in a storm," Jeff quipped.

"It'll fit his personality," Austin added.

"And it'll be a great learning experience," Joshua said.

"Why not?" Molly said. "He won't be any uglier than my boss at the paper." She let out a tired sigh. "I just want to go home. I'm tired of flashing my fanny at you fellows."

Austin simply smiled, hit the eject button on the VCR, and put the tape in a safe place.

- THE END -