Reading The Shrine War For Critique

Last night I did a dramatic reading of the first 4,200 words of The Shrine War for two editors.

It was humbling, embarrassing, and exciting and informative at the same time. This morning, I went over the manuscript and made some excellent changes. Here's one paragraph they had me rewrite, but the result creates a much better mental visual of an Inugami (loosely translated as dog spirit), a legendary Japanese yōkai:

She was an anthropomorphic dog that stood on two legs, a Kishu Inu transformed into an Inugami by a black and evil magic. The long, ebony-colored, unkempt hair on her head spilled over her muzzled face and shoulders, in sharp contrast to the dirty white fur and bright, amethyst-colored eyes. She wore a sarashi, a long strip of cotton cloth tightly binding her breasts. A fundoshi, a traditional loincloth, served as a token to modesty. Over her undergarments, she wore a short, open kimono, stained and travel-worn; a  brown sash tied around her waist held a sheathed katana. Around her neck on a heavy chain lay a jet black polished stone, a contrast against her white-furred chest.

“It comes dressed as a man,” Chiyo muttered.

“She comes dressed as a warrior,” Sen quietly replied.

I think you can easily visualize her now and, needless to say, everything is still in rough form. Compared to revision, writing is the easy part and for me revision never stops until I come to the point where I'm just pushing words around.