Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Almost ALL My My Little Pony Satires

These were written for the enjoyment of my friends many years ago before My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic was even a twinkle in some animator's eye. They were also written as a protest against "fanfiction" that brought in adult (Read: VERY adult) elements to a children's cartoon show.

And, yes, I am also evil.


The My Little Pony Bodice Ripper


 Honeysuckle Starshine grabbed her lemon-yellow bodice with her horsey teeth and ripped it off her equine body. "Make me a woman!" she cried, her eyes wild with passion.

The plastic surgeon leaned back in his chair, tapping his metal pen on his notepad. Whoa! he thought, I just struck a gold mine.


A My Little Pony Gothic Romance


Cherry Cheesecake ran sobbing out onto the night-besotted moors. Behind her, Pony Castle loomed into the star-speckled sky spearing the full moon with its turrets.

Her mind reeled from the horror and betrayal as she played over and over in her mind the choked confession of Paul Stallion, the secret that bound him hoof and soul to the accursed castle.

Storm clouds poured in from the southwest as she ran blindly over the moors, ignoring the dangers about her and soon collapsed exhausted on the heather. Within moments, rain mingled with her tears.

(Dear Reader: If you are a real Gothic romance reader, at this point you are clutching your bosom and dabbing at your eyes with a damp tissue ... if not, well, you're not.)

"I have found you."

Cherry looked up to see Paul Stallion standing over her, his manly pastel purple hide shining like a beacon in the flashes of lightening from the growing storm.

"How could you?" Cherry Cheesecake cried, "How could you propose marriage to me when all along the secret of Pony Castle will forever keep us apart!"

"I would crush you to my bosom if I had arms," Paul cried, "but it is not my fault that you discovered what the ghost of Pony Castle really is!"

"Yes,"' Cherry cried with rising horror, "the ghost of Pony Castle is actually your first wife that you keep locked up in the North Tower who occasionally escapes to wander the halls at night. Now I know and I will never marry you!" The growing lightening strikes flashed back fire from her eyes.

"Yet," Paul Stallion cried out in agony, " we never consummated our love. How could we when we discovered from her dying mother after the wedding ceremony we were actually ... cousins. The very revelation drove my wife insane with revulsion, disgust, horror, ennui, nausea, terror ..."

"I get the picture," Cherry interrupted, "but I will never marry a married stallion."

(Dear Reader: If you are a real Gothic romance reader, by this time you are hyperventilating.)

Suddenly, the heavens were split with a massive lightening bolt that struck Pony Castle, shattering its towers and igniting its basement full of powder kegs and cans of stored paint.

"Well," Cherry said, "how ... convenient."

Together they watched the flaming remains of the castle crumble.

"I think the castle will need new drapes," Cherry said. "Walmart is open all night."

Together, they trotted side by side into the dawn of a new day filled with all its promises.

"By the bye," Cherry asked, "is there anything I really should know before I marry you and this whole cycle gets started all over again?"

"Well," Paul said, "I do have an insane twin brother, but we'll just push him over a cliff."

"Good. Now about those drapes, could we get something else besides a pastel? My eyes are yearning for a primary color."



My Little Pony Meets The Alien


Candy Sunshine and Misty Morning stared in surprise at the large grayish, green egg before them. With a noisome sound it split apart at the top while something stirred loathsomely inside.

Candy slowly walked up to this new curiosity and peered inside it. "Oh, look, Misty!" she cried with delight. "I think it wants to be my friend!"



My Little Pony: Left Behind


Disco swished her tail and looked around impatiently. Looking behind every tree, rock, and flower, instead of finding the object of her fury, she instead found Absinthe, Lucky Strike, and Darwin.

"Where's that silly filly, Faith," Disco asked impatiently, stamping her dainty little hoof on the ground. "Where is that goody-two shoes?"

"Shoes is all that's left," Absinthe said. "Lookie." She pointed with her muzzle to the ground where Faith's four horseshoes lay in such a way it looked as if she had been snatched into the very air right off of her horseshoes.

"Oh, no!" Disco cried. "We've been Left Behind! (TM)"

The ponies wailed their misery. They remembered the comic books, the movies, the trade paperbacks, the collectible cards, the Broadway play, the little panties that had embroidered on the cheek opposite the right, Left Behind (TM).

Wisdom cantered up. "What is going on here?" she asked.

Darwin pointed out Faith's empty horseshoes. "Faith got snatched right out of them. We've been Left Behind (TM)!"

"Actually," Wisdom said, "she kicked them off and left them for the farrier. She wanted me to tell you all that she wanted to treat you all to the new LaHaye movie, but when you didn't show, she went by herself. Sorry, but she couldn't wait for you any longer so you've been Left Behind (TM)."

- THE END -

Note: Yes, I am a sickie, but even in my illness, I am not mocking the cardinal doctrine of the future physical return of Christ. I'm just having fun with a certain franchise that has been done to death.



Night Of The My Little Dead Pony


Candy Sunshine and Mint Jelly shook their pastel-colored manes and looked puzzled at Moon Song.

"Graaaasssss," Moon Song moaned.

Candy sighed. "Poor Moon Song. It's no fun being a zombie."

Mint Jelly nodded. "No, she just stands there and decays and moans 'Graaaasssss.'"

"You know," Mint Jelly mused as she thoughtfully chewed on a dandelion, "when you really deal with the reality of it all, herbivorous zombies aren't all that scary."

"You're right on that mark," Candy agreed. "Moon, dear," she suddenly called out. "Mind your left eye! It just popped out!" She shook her head. "It's more of an 'Ick!' factor then an 'Eek!' factor."

As if on cue, Moon Song moaned for grass. "There's some nice grass over there, dear," Mint motioned with her muzzle. "You can terrorize that patch for a while."

(Sorry, but my Incredulous Factor just popped in .... I'll let somebody else finish this one.)



My Little Were Pony


Cotton Candy and Dreamsicle shivered outside Chocolate Mint's room in Dream Castle. Outside the sun was setting and the full moon was just about to rise.

They could hear through the door Chocolate Mint weeping at her fate. Suddenly, there was a horrified scream of agony and her two companions cried out with her as they heard the rending noises of transformation within.

Before they could turn and run for their lives, the door burst open and a little red-headed, green-eyed girl stood in the doorway, her eyes flashing fire.

"I WANT CHOCOLATE," she screamed. "NOW! AND GET ME SOME CLOTHES TO WEAR AND THEY BETTER BE AEROPOSTALE!"'

Cotton Candy and Dreamsicle ran to obey knowing full well what the bite of an angry little girl could do to them, the words of the gypsy they pleaded to for help echoing in their ears:

"Even a pony who is pure in heart
And says her prayers at night.
Can become a girl-child when the malls hold their sales
And the moon is big and bright."



Moby Dick: My Little Pony Style


Call me Heavy Horse.

I am a swab on the Pea Green, a ship captained by Captainess Jezebel. The captainess is a pretty pastel sea-green filly with sea-blue highlights in her hair, but her most distinguishing marks are a captain's spyglass tattoo on her rump and she's missing a leg. In it's place, a thick candy cane announces her arrival on deck with a thump, thump, thump.

"I seek the Great White Koi that took me leg!" is basically the full gist of her conversation.

Sundance is first mate and like the rest of the crew, we're ready to call this quest quits. Especially as we've been on this boat for four months in the middle of this little fish pond. Anyway, if we hear Captaines Jezebel's story on how Moby Koi took her leg again, we're almost ready to make her walk the plank. We normally address the Captainess now with a surly, "Yeah, yeah, yeah."

However, one day that all changed.

"Thar she blows!" Captainess Jezebel cried. We looked to where she pointed with her muzzle. In the middle of the pond, a white goldfish lazily sucked at algae.

"It's just a little fish!" Sundance muttered.

". . . from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee." Captainess Jezebel cursed.

"Will you take a freaking Midol or something!" Sundance said.

"Pony the boats!" the Captainess ordered. "We hunt the great white koi."

Unfortunately, we all had reached our limit. We dog-piled ... well, pony-piled the captain, took her to Ponyville's main hospital where we discovered her artificial candy cane leg was fake. She had simply painted red and white stripes on it.

We all decided then and there to run high wattage electricity between her ears until we got a personality we liked.

Now she's moved to a tall, dismal castle on the outskirts of town with a little humpbacked squirrel and changed her name to Dr. Ponystein. We don't think about her anymore as we have other worries. The local cemetery shows signs of disturbance and that has us a tad concerned.

1 comment:

  1. ROFL! How I wish you would post these on either DeviantArt or FIMfiction!

    ReplyDelete