Tuesday, September 29, 2015

I Make a Lousy Stalker

(My explanation: Years ago on an old blog, I confess I was somewhat of a fanboy... (oh, who am I kidding...I still am) for a very lovely lady and talented artist and let's just say my accolades drew some good-natured jibes from others that I was stalking her. Well, I'm a rather silly person so i started making up stories of stalking the object of my gushing praises (WHICH SHE STILL DESERVES!) and I ended it all with this little piece. Enjoy. Or not. To protect her privacy, I have changed her name to Molly Ladanyi, a more popular literary character of my own invention.)

Today I was at the Gettysburg Walmart pricing new glasses that I desperately need when my jaw suddenly dropped and bounced off the floor. Just three aisles down, I could see Molly Ladanyi browsing the electrical widget section.

I could not believe my luck! Two years of fruitless stalking and there she was! Right in front of me! I dove into a nearby duct tape bin (advertised as "For Eyeglass Repair") and peeked out at her for a good five minutes before she moved on.

Ignoring the five-year old who started screaming when I popped back out of the bin, I chased my very elusive quarry into the lingerie section where I found her browsing the aisle. With an evil snicker, I hid among the frilly things and waited for her to move on. You can imagine my surprise when she actually started moving closer and you can imagine my chagrin when she parted the petticoats and crinolines to find me grinning stupidly back at her.

This is where I realized I had made a very serious mistake due to my seriously out-of-date eyeglass prescription.

I have met Molly Ladanyi once and I can affirm she is a very lovely lady. Her husband is one very lucky fellow.

However, this woman was not Molly Ladanyi. Unless she has suddenly tattooed her face with little skulls and daggers and developed a one inch overbite. And grown a mustache. And filed her teeth into points.

"Hi!" I said trying to hide behind a mountainous brassiere.

This is where I made the fascinating discovery that due to my myopia I had not only foolishly mistaken a complete stranger for Molly Ladanyi, I had also inadvertently stalked a Kung Fu master.

In an attempt to diffuse the situation with some casual banter, when she assumed a very elaborate martial arts stance, I nonchalantly stated, "Oh, that's the famous 'Holy Tiger Guts The Gazelle' position."

"Correct," she said, and proceeded to do so.

"And this is the 'White Crane Moons the Rising Sun," she said again and I lost all feeling to my extremities.

Ignoring my screams for mercy she then said, "And this is 'Constipated Temple Monkey Finds Relief'."

The prison hospital is very comfy though the serial killer in the bed next to me is looking at me rather strange. I should be out in a month or so, but I sadly have to say that I have given up stalking Molly Ladanyi. She is still a wonderful human being and an amazing artist, but as she lives thousands of miles away from me, stalking her in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania seems to be an exercise in futility.

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