Monday, October 19, 2015

If I Should Die Before My Wake

Some years ago, a LiveJournal acquaintance left detailed instructions as to how his funeral was to be conducted and left surprisingly detailed instructions. Reading it, I thought, "Hey! I can do that too!"

So here is what I would like you guys to do for me when I shuffle off this mortal coil.

  • First, I want a big extravaganza. If you have to go into debt, that's cool. I want flowers. I want entire sunken gardens. I want flowers that only bloom once a century. 
  • I want a mausoleum that makes the Lincoln Memorial look puny. And don't forget that thirty-foot tall statue of me positioned in such a way that I'm sticking my tongue out and looking cross-eyed at everybody who enters. 
  • I want lots of big named speakers that don't have a clue as to who I am: Tom Cruise, Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump ... and that's just the short list. 
  • I've always wanted a professional wailers' bench. In fact, get me two. And I want them rending their shirts right on cue. 
  • If a food fight doesn't break out at the wake afterwards, I'm coming back for all of you. 
  • Afterwards, I want to be cremated, and I want one of the following done with my ashes:
  1. I want to have my ashes compressed into a gem so my wife can wear me on her finger. I want to become my own family heirloom passed down generation to generation until Kingdom Come, or,
  2. Have my cremains mixed with plastic and pressed into Frisbees so people can play with me for years, or
  3. Have my DNA combined with that of a tree so I can frighten people in a manner so unspeakable, I will be the subject of dark tales of horror and fantasy.


  1. You, sir, are hilarious! I will gladly throw a Frisbee in your honor.

  2. I'll gladly combine your DNA with a tree so you can become the central figure in a M.R James or Algernon Blackwood story.

  3. I've ordered the flowers for you - the corpse flower that stinks like a rotten body due to bloom on the day(s) of your wake. The statute is started and can be added to Mount Rushmore afterward if you wish. The stars are being contacted as we speak. Of course, I will be mistress of ceremonies. Carrot Top has answered, as has Ron Palillo just to begin the cast of big names. Wailers, check, of course everyone will be so distraught that is easy. And food fight scheduled. This is so easy. The cremains for Cherie, how many carats? For the tree, how about a nice kapok tree from Ecuador? They look pretty spooky as well. And as for the Frisbee... Dear friend, you will make a lot of little doggies very, very happy. Have no worries, we will send you to the great beyond in style.