So here is what I would like you guys to do for me when I shuffle off this mortal coil.
- First, I want a big extravaganza. If you have to go into debt, that's cool. I want flowers. I want entire sunken gardens. I want flowers that only bloom once a century.
- I want a mausoleum that makes the Lincoln Memorial look puny. And don't forget that thirty-foot tall statue of me positioned in such a way that I'm sticking my tongue out and looking cross-eyed at everybody who enters.
- I want lots of big named speakers that don't have a clue as to who I am: Tom Cruise, Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump ... and that's just the short list.
- I've always wanted a professional wailers' bench. In fact, get me two. And I want them rending their shirts right on cue.
- If a food fight doesn't break out at the wake afterwards, I'm coming back for all of you.
- Afterwards, I want to be cremated, and I want one of the following done with my ashes:
- I want to have my ashes compressed into a gem so my wife can wear me on her finger. I want to become my own family heirloom passed down generation to generation until Kingdom Come, or,
- Have my cremains mixed with plastic and pressed into Frisbees so people can play with me for years, or
- Have my DNA combined with that of a tree so I can frighten people in a manner so unspeakable, I will be the subject of dark tales of horror and fantasy.