Friday, October 2, 2015

Wisdom For The Masses

Somebody asked me for a list of good advice, wisdom, lifehacks, and guidelines..

Me. They asked me.

Please keep your head, hands, arms, legs, and feet inside the ride at all times. Do not stand up or exit my blog while it is in motion.

Ready? Hang on.

  1. Keep your words soft and gentle ... you may have to eat them.
  2. Never make an enemy for free.
  3. If you wait for the best bargain to buy something, you'll never get it.
  4. When you get married, throw away all your old underwear and buy brand new. Trust me on this one.
  5. There's always time to brush your teeth.
  6. It is said that learning a second language is like being given a new soul. I agree.
  7. Nobody on their death bed has ever grabbed me by the lapels and screamed, "Oh, sweet Jesus! If only I had spent more time in the office!"
  8. If you've never read any of Alan Garner's works, you should remedy that situation as soon as possible. 
  9. Memorize good classic poetry. Start here (and yes, I have it memorized).
  10. The best exercise is sitting in a tub full of water, pulling the plug, and fighting the current. 
  11. Cats are proof there is a God. They are also proof there is a devil. Heck, they're just proof of the supernatural, period. 
  12. Matches make excellent emergency air fresheners. Light the match, wave it around, blow it out, and let it smoke until it goes cold on its own. This really works. 
  13. Eat French food and avoid French cinema. 
  14. Spammers should be treated like the Spam they are named for: packaged into tiny tin cans, fried, and then fed to the dog. 
  15. Change your car's oil every 3,000 miles. 
  16. When God made Eve, he took everything she is from Adam. Since then, men have lost the ability to read minds, listen attentively, iron a shirt, and see an object they are looking for that's right in front of their nose.
  17. Everybody should own a dog. Everybody should be owned by a cat. 
  18. God loves you. Be grateful 'cause he knows you very well.

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