Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Spells From Loewen’s Dark Grimoire

A collector of the odd and the bizarre, I have a few ancient books in my possession that I dare not list lest you all go barking mad, but reading them inspired me to release my own dark grimoire of spells that I have discovered work 100% of the time.

So break out the old cauldron and unforged athame because out of the incredible generosity of my heart I am going to give you for free, a spell that alchemists have searched to master for years and yet, I will show you how to perform this incredible Great Work with a 100% success rate.

Caveat emptor. This is dangerous stuff here.

Summoning A Pudding Golem

First, my padawan, you must procure the primal stuff that is needed to construct the Pudding Golem. At your local supermarket, purchase a box of Jell-O® Instant Pudding. Though I prefer butterscotch, the flavor of your choice is determined by your own particular path. Those who follow the dark side should go with dark chocolate while those who worship chaos should go with pistachio. Only goody two-shoes use vanilla.

Following the directions on the box, mix the primal stuff for your Pudding Golem. Put the bowl into the refrigerator to harden while you now commence the Aklo Formula (stick the handles of a spoon up each nostril and giggle at your reflection in the mirror).

After five minutes, remove the Pudding Golem from the refrigerator. Thank the Nameless Powers That Be that the Pudding Golem lacks a skeletal system and musculature or I assure you that the primal evil you hold in your hands would arise from its bowl and lay waste to the land.

Now, you must dispel the pudding golem. Take the spoons you used in the Aklo Formula (making sure the handles are clean) and grabbing one with each hand cry out the Primal Scream of the Newborn (which sounds like this: ARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!).

This stuns the Pudding Golem as you rapidly eat it with both spoons. Licking the bowl afterwards is mandatory.

Now you will be delighted, delighted I tell you, that this spell and others are available in my soon-to-be-released book, Loewen’s Dark Grimoire: Spells With a 100% Success Rate such as the powerful "Induce Low Self-Esteem," a truly evil spell involving the casting of an Atomic Wedgie on your victim in a public place.

For just $49.95 you will receive a photocopied manuscript bound in authentic plastic featuring other awesome spells such as:

Summon Lounge Singer
Spell ingredients: Phone; Yellow Pages

Repel An Overwhelming Force of Your Enemies
Spell ingredients: Beans, beans, the musical fruit

Summon Cats
Spell ingredients: Kibble

Induce Complaining
Spell ingredients:  Just be yourself

Assault of Syrup
Spell ingredients: Several jars of Mrs. Butterworth

Curse of Cabbage
Spell ingredients: leftover cabbage souffle

Bind Enemy:
Spell ingredients: Superglue, strong hemp rope

Astonishing Glob of Pasta
Spell ingredients: Your Aunt Edna’s spaghetti salad

Halitosis Spray
Spell ingredients: Garlic. Lots and lots of garlic!

And many, many more spells guaranteed to work!

Blessed be,

Alan Loewen, High Lord of the Dyspeptic Wombats of the Ninth Level (and Five Rooms Over)

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