Wednesday, October 14, 2015

My Schnuffel Bunny Intervention

For those of you who do not know me personally, I have a terrible confession to make:

I have a huge fanboy crush on Schnuffel Bunny.

Schnuffel Bunny started out as a ringtone and then suddenly became an overnight international sensation and though this may catch you by surprise, though I am an ordained man of the cloth:  
  • I now own all three of his CD's.
  • Imported from Germany.
  • At great expense.
  • And I don't regret it.
  • At all.
It got to the point, certain friends started talking about a Schnuffel Bunny intervention.

That got me thinking and I wrote a story...

My Schnuffel Bunny Intervention


I was humming Ich Hab' Dich Lieb to myself when I entered my office so was completely off my guard when a burlap sack was thrown over my head and sudden impact on the back of my skull showed me stars.

Oh my, I thought as the darkness descended. They look like the stars in that Schnuffel Bunny video.

When I came to I found myself trussed to a chair, a bright light in my face.

“Pastor,” I heard a masculine voice say from beyond the light. “It has come to our attention that you have been … involved in some questionable activities.”

“What?” I protested. “That’s insane! My personal work ethic is pristine.”

“Really?” said another masculine voice out of the darkness. “Your iTunes on the church computer says you listened to the Schnuffel Bunny CD five times straight yesterday.”

“All within four hours,” said another bass voice.

“Background music!” I protested. “It’s just background music!”

“We think you need a little … help.”

“Look fellas,” I said. “I can give up the Schnuffel Bunny anytime. I can walk away. Really.”

“Right,” came the response from the darkness. “Can you explain last Sunday’s 45-minute long sermon on spiritual insights you got from the Schnuffel Bunny?”

“And,” another voice said, “you had us singing hymns in German. You said they were Martin Luther original works, but we found out that they were actually Schnuffel Bunny songs.”

A noise of disgust came from the darkness. “We saw through that right away. Luther’s hymns were never … cute.”

“Okay, guys," I said pleadingly. " I admit I might have gone a tad overboard, but if you would just give me a chance.”

“Too late,” the voice said from the darkness. “We’re gonna do a little aversion therapy here. Ralph, you got the taser?”

“Right here, Frazier. You turn on the video and I’ll zap the pastor a few hundred times.”

Suddenly, a television screen lit up out of the darkness. The familiar face of the Schnuffel Bunny appeared and music began to fill the room. “Du bist mein allerliebster Schatz,” he began to sing.

“You know,” said a voice from the darkness. “He is kinda cute.”

An deiner Seite ist mein Platz.

“Yeah,” another voice said. “I kinda like the tune.”

Weil ich dich so gerne kuschel,”

A sigh came out of the darkness. “He reminds me of Tootie, my first bunny.”

Bist du mein süsser Schnuffel.”

“Aw! Did he die?”

“Naw. He was a toy. My mom washed him and all his stuffing came out. He wasn’t huggable afterwards.”

“Kuschel , kuschel , kuschel , kuschel.”

“Man, dig those cute magenta footpads on that rabbit.” There was a pause. “You know, I think that’s the first time in my life I’ve ever used the word ‘magenta.’”

Du bist mein kleiner süsser Schnuffel.”

“You know, I just want to go home right now and watch Bambi.”

“Yeah! That Thumper sure was cool.”

“I betcha I can buy all these Schnuffel Bunny songs on Amazon.”

“Not if I get there first!”

Out of the darkness, I heard a stampede of feet moving away from me and somewhere a door slammed.

Schnuffel finished his song and the screen went dark.

“Guys?” I yelled. “Guys? I think you forgot to untie me. Guys!”

Oh well. The custodians will find me in a few hours. Or days. Until then, I’ll just sit here and sing Du Bist Mein Allerliebster Freund.

I sure do love that Schnuffel Bunny.

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1 comment:

  1. Now I'm wondering what Rammstein songs in a Scnhuffel bunny voice would sound like